Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
