Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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