I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
