why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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