There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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