she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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