She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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