you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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