I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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