I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
