I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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