We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
