I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
