My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
