and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
pray to the hookup gods
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
