Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
