also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
