He kissed a someone with a penis
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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