My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
