I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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