Do you still have your period?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
