The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
