i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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