Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
