I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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