my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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