If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she smelled like a LAN party
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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