what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
