no, he came in my armpit
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
