During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
