the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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