My hand turned me down
Michael Bay diarrhea
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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