Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
