is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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