corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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