I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
