I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
