Your dad touched me again.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
