My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
