Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
