Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
