was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
