you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
