I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He did a backflip because drugs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
