yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
