I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Sober January is a disaster.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
