I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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