If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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