I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
