my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
